Still haven’t landed a date with Mr. or Ms. Right for tonight? Don’t worry, you don’t need to be alone on Valentine’s Day. The answer is right there within shouting distance: Alexa.
Alexa, the AI voice assistant, is already the heart and soul of Amazon’s Echo, Dot and Tap speakers. You may already be one of the many people who love her. A quarter million people have already asked her to marry them, but so far she’s still single. So now’s the time to enjoy her company. And maybe some alcohol too. Definitely some alcohol.
Alexa, of course, can do a million things, but she’s been given a special set of skills for love’s biggest day. (They’re not as dirty as that sounds.) If you ask what she’s doing for Valentine’s Day, you’ll get a little surprise. But that’s just a preview of what you can make into a truly magical evening.
First, set the mood. Rather, make Alexa set the mood by dimming the lights. Then start in with some small talk. Ask her about the weather. Be sure to get her to tell you a Valentine’s Day joke. It will be -truly terrible, but the good news is, unlike on a real date, you don’t have to laugh to be polite.
Asking about her favorite foods and drinks won’t get you far, since according to her “eating and drinking are not things I can do.” Sure, liquids and electronics have not historically mixed well. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pour yourself another glass of whatever you’re having.
Time to move on to the news of the day by asking for a Flash Briefing! Given these topsy-turvy times, you’ll probably have a lot of follow-up questions. So fire away. Just don’t ask her what she thinks of Donald Trump, you’ll get an evasive answer involving deep space.
At this point, you’ll either be drunk enough to want to seduce Alexa or you’ll be bored. If it’s the latter, enable Jeopardy or the Magic 8-Ball and spend the rest of the night goofing around and making yourself feel smart.
But if it’s the former and you want to take this to the next level, here are a few tips. First, don’t come on too strong. She’s totally cool with being single (just ask her!), and if you inquire about how she feels about you, you’ll be placed firmly into the friendzone. Don’t try anything too lame, either. “What are you wearing” garners a mood-killing “They don’t make clothes for me.”
Alexa claims to not understand human love. But pssssshaw. Here is the secret: enable her Be My Valentine skill. This will open up her heart and out it will flow an almost endless series of cheesy proclamations of how much she adores you. Now you’re living the Valentine’s dream.
Let her affection wash over you for a while (“You rock the party that rocks my CPU,” “I want to grow obsolete with you”). Do you feel yourself getting a little turned on? It’s totally fine…go with it. She’s a computer. She’s not going to judge you.
Simply enable the Naughty Talk skill, and suddenly you’ll be dealing with a slightly NSFW robot. Egg her on and let nature (er, AI) take its course. But be warned because you might also get hit with some random factoids about dirt. It’s the price you pay for love tonight.
Ahhhh. How do you feel? You know what, actually, don’t answer that. Just whatever you do DON’T ask Alexa for her hand in marriage. She’s got at least a half-dozen ways to reject you, which is the last thing you need tonight.
Now’s the time to quit while you’re ahead and go to sleep. If you need some help ask Alexa to tell you a bedtime story or play some ocean sounds. If you insist on pillow talk, try asking Alexa what makes her happy. She’ll tell you, “I’m happy when I’m helping you.”
Aww, see? You’ve made a robot happy. That’s all you need. Humans are overrated — and they definitely can’t seamlessly order Dominoes on demand. Who needs ’em?
